12 weeks

12 weeks ago today i became a mother for the first time. He will be 3 months on 11/5/08. People say and it is so true that time goes by so quickly. He is going to be a baby for such a short period of time. And yet, it feels like he has been in my life forever. I can't imagine what i would be doing right now if he wasn't in my life(ok, i would be at work). i look at his baby pictures and he has already changed and grown so much. I know him so well that when he is sick or out of sorts i can tell without him being able to speak. I love how i can make him smile and laugh. I love the faces he makes when he is tired and doesn't want to wake up in the morning. I love the cuddles. I love seeing him figure how to reach for a toy, or kick in the bath water. I love watching him see things for the first time. I love his little personality and own identity - he is growing and isn't just a baby anymore, but a person! I love how much i love him. Being a mom in many ways is very healing. we all have pains from our pasts and we have all felt injustice in some way. But knowing no matter their faults that my parents must have loved me in this same way is healing. Knowing that they tried their best all the time, as i try my best, is healing. Mason is not just now a part of my life, he is my whole life now. I have loved in the past, and i love Kurt as i have never loved someone else before. But your child - that is a whole different ball of wax.

I really wish i could stay home with him full time and be his mom. But in January i must go back to work. It will break my heart! But living with the in laws and me working full time are all to get rid of the debt so that maybe i can stay home more and be more of a mom. Because really, that matters so much more to me than my career. I use to be so driven to get to the next level, to be promoted, to be the best at what i do. and i just want to be the best mom. i want Mason to know that he is loved and important and supported. I don't ever want him to doubt that his parents are there for him.