Trial Run

SO in order to save my job after the FMLA and California bonding leave, i had to change my official status to per diem, until my return. Somewhere during my leave i had a conversation with my boss and said, if you need help let me know. Weeks later he called me on it....to help train a new manager who needed some TLC. I said sure.
The day before i was going i started feeling mad at myself for agreeing to do this. I have only a finite amount of time to be home with Mason before i must go back to work almost full time...why would i volunteer to be away during this special time? But i had agreed, and a practice run so to speak would be nice. so sunday i had to get bottles ready - defrosted out of the freezer, get the breast pump ready (yes, mason has only had breast milk so far), inform the hubby on mason's schedule - complete with instructions for the gymboree class that he was going to encounter, find clothes that i could wear to work that also fit. My current size 8 jeans weren't going to cut it, nor my pre-pregnancy clothes :(.
SO off to work i was on Monday. Leaving Mason was horrible. It isn't about not trusting my husband...i figured out what mason has needed in these past 4 months and he will be able too. It is about me not being with him. i have only ever left him before for pilates and my 6 week check up. And if i am honest, what if kurt can't figure out what the baby needs? Once at work i have to say it was a blast to be back in the work mind frame. My teaching style has changed so much - things that were once black and white (i tend to be the rule follower) seem not so important when compared to having a child whose future well being depends on me. I still know policies need to be followed, but i don't feel it in my gut like i use to. It was fun to be able to teach, and help someone - to make their life easier. it was wonderful to hear people say i looked good, as if i had never had a baby (flattery will get you places).
So after 2.5 hours at work, and 2 hours of travel time i was back home. And i was a bit hurt to know that mason didn't miss me. he had a hard time napping - but seemed to accept his dad as his caregiver as readily as me. So me going back to work will be ok on him and me. But i still don't want to. Freaking America that gives women 12 weeks off total (including pre-pregnancy time off). we are supposed to nurse our babies for a year. Countries around the world give women a year off - if not paid they at least save your job. we wonder as a civilization why our kids are failing, yet we don't value them enough to let their parents parent them. I digress. I will survive going back to work. so will mason. But it will break my heart. Not being able to be with my little baby and see every aspect of his growth, to not support his every need, to miss things is horrible! oh to be a cavewoman and be able to carry and be with my baby all the time. It just feels like as a mother i was created to feed and care for my baby and by nature of not being with him i can't do that.

I chose to have a family before we were financially free. I knew it meant i would have to go back to work. But that does not make going back any easier. It makes me sick to think about being away from him. Darn this two income society that we have created.....and the lifestyle i chose before i knew what i was choosing. i chose to buy and remodel a house, and have a lavish wedding before i met mason and knew how hard it would be to be apart from him. i figured it was the norm so i would be fine with it. I hate the norm and i am not fine with it.

Please know that i am not judging women who want to work. If that is you, i applaud you. it is important to know your strengths and what makes you and your family healthy. I don't think we all made to LOVE to stay at home.and i think that we have to be happy first before we can be good caregivers. I thought i would be someone who wanted to work, but as it turns out i am not. I just hate not having the option but having to work to survive.